Going to Disneyland with my family is one of my all-time best days ever. Every time.
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So here's a question I've been wondering but wanted to be too cool to ask: who reads this blog?! I know it is not easily accessible which is going to change when we roll out a new look for the site.. I mean it doesn't really matter if anyone reads it or not, just a rhetorical question I guess. Blogs are weird. They are like diary entries that you fully intend someone to read. Such a voyeuristic culture we live in!
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So I have been thinking a lot lately… like incessantly… constantly, about what motivates me, what inspires me, who I am and who I want to be. I know on the surface it sounds like existential bullshit, but essentially, I believe, it is maybe the whole point of us being human and having a mind and a conscience and all of that…. See, my passion for music has been buried under all this weight for the past few months…. And at first it was terrifying because music is what I have always defined myself by. Being a musician, having the goal and focus to become a famous musician, serving some kind of higher purpose through my art…. And then I got a little older and realized that I had to create this path, stone by stone, as it was not some predetermined path for me to follow, but a wild trail for me to blaze….. So, realizing that this is indeed a business, and that for me to be “successful”, I had to incorporate business into my art, I tried on the different hats of manager, booking agent, pr agent, stylist, and advisor…. And I tried to create a ‘package’ that would have mass appeal and inevitably bring me the ‘success’ I “wanted”….. Now, believe me, I am very self-forgiving. I am young, and I have no fear of trying things and no real fear of failure. I don’t fault myself for trying this route first. But what I ended up doing was stripping my passion, my love, my very self of all the truth which is the only appealing thing about any of it to begin with. For instance, creating my website with ‘commercial appeal’ in mind, I mean, I think it has some character but that is mainly in the design which only required my approval and not my creating. I think the content is very sterile, even in this blog, go to my entries… see how careful I am not to mention my husband (even when he is in pictures) … why? Obviously so that all my millions of male fans will continue to support my career on the hopes that they just might stand a chance with me…. First of all, eeeew. I like men, I like male fans, I like male friends….. But I am a deeply satisfied woman in my marriage and that even eludes me! Isn’t it far more fascinating to be in a nourishing, positive, living relationship that constantly evolves as our individual and collective goals and ideals change? I mean, this is not rhetoric, this is real. I never had a desire to be married and here I am in New Jersey with this man I never imagined existed on this weird adventure I never contemplated and I am in awe of these circumstances every day. Isn’t that far more interesting than some ridiculous image of Ashley, the available yet unattainable folk star? I feel like all of the things that are actually interesting and unique about me have been homogenized and watered down to be more ‘digestible’…. And for what? And for WHO? I mean, I get that that concept works for many of the 15-minute pop stars but who am trying to be? Who am I trying to reach? All of the artists I love have unmistakable character, from Joni Mitchell to Colin Hay. Because what really attracts us to music in the first place? Some kind of AUTHENTICITY! Something that feels more real than even life itself and so we experience things more deeply and fully through music, giving us a broader and more intricate understanding of our actual lives…. I mean, I might sound a little fanatical but this is what I’m saying, music is the best thing in this whole world to me. Well, music and family, but the two are so intertwined for me that they go hand in hand….. I have a lot of thoughts on all this so bear with me as I sort through them…. Thank God I never made it to the level of stardom I once desired this way. I can see how very real the dangers of fame are to somebody’s sense of self and reality…. Making a press kit by following the standard guidelines, writing a blog not because I had anything to say but because it is ‘important’ to have a blog, … I don’t know… there were all these little decisions and actions that I made to intentionally make me and my music more ‘marketable’ and ‘likeable’ and all they ended up doing was stripping me of my character and the things that are actually interesting and relatable about me…. I mean, what a journey, for me to even be at this point, realizing it, is a blessing. I am not trying to forgo all business sense and play ‘heartfelt, unique’ music in the subway…. I still strive for ‘success’ but first of all my definition of what that means has changed (and is continuing to change) and second, my priorities on what it means to get me there have been rearranged. I am in such a weird nebulous stage of my life, which is really disarming for someone as defined as me, a woman who knows who she is and knows what she wants….. And now I’m a woman who has been in a deep confusion and depression and is starting to feel lightened by these slow revelations, not nearly aha moment,s but long drawn out mmmhmmmm dawnings…. And I realize that a big part of embracing my passion and my career and my future and harnessing all of the meaning that it holds for me is to be really really true to myself, in the zealous way that children are, to give my whole self to my music and to my fans, and not just the sanitized parts that hold the most appeal…. I mean its not like I’ve been hiding my love of killing baby rabbits or any creepy drug habits… I am not trying to reveal some sort of sensational oppressed part of me, I just feel like I have been going about things in such a wrong way, it has felt so wrong…it hasn’t felt good and inspiring and hopeful, and the whole insidious process twisted the thing I love most into this dreaded obligation with all of these phony attachments and rules…… So I guess that sharing all this with you is my first step at sharing not some version of myself, but my actual self, who I really am, with you…. And with me.
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So I've been off of everything it seems like. The sugar, processed foods, gluten, caffeine, soy, dairy... And I think I get it. More protein and iron for me. Starting the day with super healthy smoothies. Without the sugar and caffeine, my energy levels aren't peaking and crashing. I feel pretty darn good. Eating bigger lunches and smaller dinners with lots of fruit, nuts, veggies in between. Taking supplements and even sleeping ok. I never fully abandoned alcohol, but I've cut waaay back which is good regardless. So my friends, or at least my brother, the one person I know reads this, I think I am re-energized and quite ready to take on the world.
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